Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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