I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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