She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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