I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
