upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
