a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
