Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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