Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
