I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
