She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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