Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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