She said her name was "party"
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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