smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
