U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
