So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
