If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
