the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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