Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
