"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
