Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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