Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
