Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
