turn off your phone and go to bed
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??