You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
