That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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