I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
