even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
