Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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