you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
