Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
