My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
