one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
