I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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