seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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