Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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