I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
