Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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