Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
