if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
the raccoons are back...
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