My boss' voice literally gives me gas
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
