lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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