Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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