she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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