Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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