I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
