If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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