They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
