Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
