Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
