i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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