My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm too high and old for this...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
