I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
