youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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