Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
