i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
