I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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