they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
