Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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