Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
