I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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